Concern

I am greatly distressed about the integrity of the computer systems at the our university.
It causes me a world of suffering.
I can't wait to sleep with my professors mom.

Where did this come from?

Dwayne: I wonder if my arm tastes salty...

Me:...?

Dwayne: yep

Glasses?

Dwayne: Contacts are awesome for laying on the couch. You can't do this with glasses.
*throws a pillow at his own face*

I don't even know what to call this...

Random Reegan excerpts.

Oh no.
I'm nervous.
Oh wait, nope, just an erection.
I get confused.
Damn this puberty jazz.

----------------------------------------

It is 2:19.
That is the highway I take home.
It is bendy and skinny.
It reminds me of a young, skinnier, bendier version of myself, as a highway.
My distinguishing features personified by a yellow dashed line.
Like looking in a mirror.
And by mirror I mean highway.

----------------------------------------

Reegan: The dip supply has been exhausted
I'm also alarming short on desire to stay awake.
On top of all that, I'm going to bed.
But for your flagrant remarks, I'd have done it in peace.

Me: well, i'd say, put the dip back into the fridge.
it wouldn't be good to sleep on top of it

Reegan: I have a garage can beside my bed.

Me: a garage can?

Reegan: Yes, a can where I store vehicular housing facilities.
BACK OFF
And with that, I bid you farewell, old chap.
So YOU'RE the bastard who dries out my lips!

Reegan's Thoughts (?)

Not only am I smart, I'm also hungry.
My two finest attributes, I feel.
The most marketable ones, anyway.


If I was a bra, I would want to be a c-cup.
Don't have too big of a work load, but you still get noticed


There's nothing I hate more in bed than my feet being uncovered.
Except for the inability to have spider-man or jedi knight dreams at will.

Ships

Reegan: I'm just lazy enough that the food in the house will suffice to appease my hunger enough to not tempt me to be unlazy enough to drive to town for food.

Chips and dip is the essence of what I said.
Dill pickle dip.
Ruffles, regular type.

Me: i do not like dill pickle ships. but i do like the dip

Reegan: hahaha!
Dill pickle ships!

But I find they get too soggy and sink, thereby killing the entire crew and all leisure passengers...
I prefer ketchup.

Me: ketchup is the best

Reegan: Stronger hydro-repellent.
You can float on a ketchup ship for minutes.

Me: minutes!? wow.

Reegan: Yup.
That's its trademark attribute.
I assumed it was common knowledge.
In the life of a muon, one ketchup ship would last multiple generations.

Me: holy jeez!
..but what about salt and vinegar? wouldn't that work better?

Reegan:
I think you're just playing favorites.
That's the difference between Major Dan and General Dan.
YOU had to bring feelings into this.

Beer

Reegan: I think beer is a cool guy.

Me: i agree. he gets a little rowdy sometimes though

Reegan: I think my liver has issues with him, too.
I don't like to pit them directly against each other.
I try to help out the liver by giving the bowels something to make him disagree with the beer as well.
a.k.a. burger king.
They can team up and get rid of that shit.

Shortbread

Reegan: This is truly how I feel.
I just don't think eating shortbread is worth it.
No matter how many drinks of what kind you might have available.

Me: what about pedialite?
that stuff will hydrate anything

Reegan: Is that true?

Me: it is for babies with diarrhea but it tastes okay too

Reegan: Will it hydrate the desert?

Me: not deserts

Reegan: I see.

Me: but deserts do not like the taste

Reegan: Nor do they get diarrhea.

Me: definitely a plus for deserts...
i wish i was one...
but not so dry...
and no sand...
and less sun...
no camels...
and a plate of coleslaw...

ya, i wanna be a desert.

Anger

Twitch: Would you like something to drink? Hot cream?
Me: I got some hot cream for you.
Dwayne: It better not be whipped cream.
Me: oh. Well...nevermind then.
Dwayne: That's what I fucking thought, you son of a bitch!

Ummm...

Dwayne: Ahhhhh, I am hungry.
damnfuct: I have something for you...
Dwayne: I hope it is either a burger or a taco!
damnfuct: It is definitely a penis.
Dwayne: :(

Smashy Smashy

At the university there is an art exhibit that is a large cube with 2 windows. One has glass in it, one doesn't.
Reegan goes to stick his head into the window.
SMASH!
Reegan takes a quick step backwards with a puzzled and confused look on his face.
We leave.

Reegan: "I can't believe that just happened."
Me: "It smashed pretty good, you must have hit it hard."
Reegan: "Yeah. I can feel the impact point but my head isn't bleeding."
*runs his fingers into his hair to check his scalp*
"Oh, yes it is"